My New Weigh

Week 3

2010-04-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

So. Lost 3 pounds. Will never see that "decad" of numbers again. EVER!
This week my goal is still
1) no fast food
2) no eating after dinner ( not doing so good on this one) definitely not as bad as I was. Even put myself to bed at 8p.m. one night so I wouldn't snack.
and number 3........
3) move more!

No problem with #1. Don't even crave it, it actually is revolting if someone suggests it.
#2. Wellll, it's getting better.
#3. Trying to move more everyday, still cant get my ass up to walk on the treadmill before work. I am soooo not a morning person and then to get up and move. Hell no!!!

THE PLAN

2010-04-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

I figured this would be a good place to keep this.

*Week 1) NO fast food. NO eating in the car.

Already did this last week and it wasn't so bad!!

*Week 2) NO fast food. NO eating in the car.
NO eating after dinner is done. No eating after Ron goes to bed.

This may be a bit harder. I have come to the horrifying realization that I can not wati for Ron to go to bed so I can have a "treat", whatever that may be! Sweet, salty, whatever. I actually become angry and bitchy if he is staying up later than normal. Crazy.

Baby steps, baby steps.

click

2009-10-24T09:58:00.000-07:00

so, why won't it click? it clicked once and i did well. something is blocking the way. something deep down inside. no one else forces me. it is draining me emotionally, physically, draining, draining, draining. no one says a word, no one says what they are thinking. click, please click.

frustration

2009-10-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

i am frustrated at life, myself, insurance, life, myself!!! i am now at my highest wt. ever. i got very ill from the liquid diet. liver was crazy out of normal. now back to normal.
see a new dr. who gives me the same speech as the other dr. "if you want to lose all the weight you need to you need surgery" "have you considered it?" CONSIDERED IT! shit i have been begging my job to cover weight loss surgery for about 8 years now.
i wrote a letter to my benefits department with the help of some very close friends. here it is :

To whom it may concern,
I am writing to you today to inquire why I, as a 17 year xxx employee, do not have the opportunity for gastric bypass, or any kind of weight loss surgery, because it is not covered under our insurance plan. HealthLink does cover weight loss surgery, our HR department decided it was not an option.
Weight loss surgery being covered would be an opportunity to claim a better, healthy life for me and allow me to be an example for my patients. I don't understand why an employer would choose not to allow their employee this benefit and risk loosing me as a loyal and experienced employee because of complications from being morbidly overweight.
Our mission at xxx is to take exceptional care of our patients. What about the employees?
The cost to xxx is a drop in the bucket compared to the out of pocket hit to my budget. To pay for this surgery out of pocket it is $24,000, per Dr. xx's office. If I were disabled and on medicare or worked for Washington University I would be covered. Why the discrimination?
I have been told by 2 primary care physicians Dr. xx and Dr. xx that weight loss surgery will be the only way I can lose the weight I need to prevent what is assuredly to come: hypertension, diabetes, peripheral vascular problems, knee and or hip replacements.
Why not be proactive and help me and I am assured many others be healthier?
Thank you for your time and I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
x

i reached a very kind soul in the HR department who helped me send it to "whom it may concern". no answer after week one. she then sent it to the vp. took another week to hear back. bad news.
here's friday's letter:

Dear x,

I am in receipt of your email inquiring about the lack of coverage for gastric bypass surgery in xxx’s medical plan.
xxx HealthCare does care for its employees – each and every one of them. For the past several years, gastric bypass and lap band surgeries have been brought up during our annual benefits plan review process. These surgeries are extensively reviewed/researched by our internal benefits team as well as our medical plan administrator, UMR. The review includes cost/benefit analysis and the overall impact to every employee and family member covered by our medical plans. Dr. x has also been consulted to provide information.
We have consistently found that the cost of the surgeries, the risk of complications and the expenses associated with those complications are cost prohibitive. At this time, xxx HealthCare and the employees and their family members who are covered in the medical plan are not able to absorb the combination of costs and risks.
xxx will continue to examine and analyze the cost/benefits of gastric bypass and lap band surgeries. Should you wish to discuss this further, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Sincerely,
x
xxx HealthCare
Director, Benefits

FUCK!!!

5 1/2 weeks.

2009-03-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

So, after the first 4 weeks I lost 27 3/4 pounds. Feel great, more energy, sleep better, clothes feel better. Not hungry at all but still have cravings??? Crunchy, salty. Still keep telling myself it is not forever and I get through one day at a time. Will be weighing in on Tues. (6 weeks down).

No chewing!

2009-01-25T14:27:00.000-08:00

Well today is the first day of "it's all about me". I have chosen to do a "fasting diet". Controlled by my M.D. It is supposed to take off a lot of weight rapidly. 5-6 shakes a day plus, broth, s.f. jello, diet soda. Hence, no chewing. I think I will be going through a lot of gum!! This a.m. wasn't bad. This afternoon was O.K., not hungry just used to snacking when I am bored and B.F. just made popcorn!! UGH! That is/was my downfall, salty crispy, crunchy! It will be O.K. I just have to make it through the first few days and when I see the results it will all be worth it!

Friend 1 and Friend 2

2008-12-01T13:02:00.000-08:00

Well my friend called. Called to see if I check my email and did I know that the kids had upcoming events to attend. I called her back and we talked for 45 min, like we had last talked yesterday. ???? I guess in a sense this is a true friend when you can not talk for months and nothing seems different.
On the other hand I went out with another friend (friend 2) and her friend shopping and to dinner. I guess I said something wrong or did something that pissed her off, because when she and her friend got in her car the door couldn't close before she was ranting about me. I know it was about me because her friend was facing me and the look of horror on her face as I was watching friend 2 rant told it all. I suppose friend 2's friend told her I was watching her rant because next thing friend 2 is knocking on my passenger window to lend me a CD we had talked about over dinner, she called me on my way home, later at home, and the next day. GUILT is a bitch. I chose not to talk to her until day 3. (I did return one phone call and LM letting her know I had seen that she had called.) My own guilt.
I did not say anything to her about the event and did not acknowledge her comments about "ditching her for 2 days". I am not a confrontational person and wondered over the 2 days: maybe I it was me. I know I am a very sarcastic person and make fun in a loving way. I know she has very thin skin and takes EVERYTHING to heart and is somewhat gullible. Maybe I just crossed her line. Although she does talk about people to others. I just never thought she talked about me and especially not in front of my face.
Lesson learned.

2008-11-08T12:53:00.001-08:00

Losing a friend

2008-11-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

I suppose we have grown apart, but it really sucks. I guess because I don't have kids, not a soccer mom, don't enjoy shopping, don't enjoy drinking to get drunk, I guess we don't have anything in common anymore. Nothing but a couple of the most important people in my heart. I miss the whole family but especially the kids. I am not sure what exactly happened. She has admitted on more than one occasion that she "sucky friend". This is not new. More than once our friendship has been overtaken by the "flavor of the month". It has pretty much happened our whole lives. I am reminded of this by other friends and family, hers and mine. It still sucks to not know what is going on in their lives, good, bad, and indifferent. We used to talk daily and now it is a text now and again usually initiated my me. I am not sure what to do, let it go, hope she comes back, or confront and maybe never have it again.
Thanks for letting me vent.

When's it going to click?

2008-11-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

When is the malfunction in my brain going to be fixed. I don't know what issue is inside, that is do deep, I can't let it surface.
I want to think I can lose weight on my own, no pills to help, no magic drink, nothing but me being able to control what I eat. I have heard thin/normal people say "I eat to live not live to eat." Why can't I grasp this concept. I am miserable at the weight I am right now. I have no energy, I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, I am happy to sit home and watch TV or sleep. Sex, what sex, I have no desire, no energy, nothing. It sucks. All of it. I know what I am supposed to eat, do, think, but it just doesn't come together for me. My body aches all the time, I am a crabby bitch at home. Will it ever come together? -----just rambling. Thanks

I'm a tucker!!!!!!

2007-05-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't tucked a shirt since it was a requirement in high school. But, today for the first time I have tucked and it looks good. I am back on track and down 4.6 today for a total of 81.4.

Stuck

2007-03-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

I am stuck. I have gained and lost these same 5 f*&#ing pounds since Jan. 1st. Is it mental, physical, both???? I feel like I am doing the Cha Cha with the scale --- 2.8 #'s up, 3.8 #'s down, 1.2 up, .4 down, Cha Cha to the left now. F*&#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't have much patience anyway and this is like watching paint dry in St. Louis on August 25th. (It's never going to happen.)
I have tried to stay positive. I am positive for everyone else -- I am the Queen co-dependent. I am always going to RESTART tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, like a broken record. Then I am reasonable for 3 out of the 7 days before weigh in. At least I don't act surprised at the scale. I just feel like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar --- hmmmm Freud??
Well, thanks for listening, those of you that visited, and haven't given up.

???? The title

2006-12-09T18:01:00.000-08:00

I named the blog because my intentions were to write about my "ups and downs" of dieting.
I haven't written a word about it.
I go to W.W. on Sat. and it has truly changed my life. As of today I have lost 74.2 pounds since the beginning of this year. I started in earnest going to meetings etc. around April.
I don't consider it a "diet" but a way of life. Which is why I think is why it is finally clicking this time.
People who do not have obese weight problems do not understands the milestones that come with losing 70+ pounds. Moving the car seat to a "normal" upright position and closer to the wheel, dropping 2 clothes sizes, your shoes fit better, you can sit in a booth at a restaurant instead of waiting for a table to become available, you just can't imagine the things everyone else takes for granted that I fret over on a daily basis are getting easier.
I have great support from the girls that go with me on B. and P. and I also always have neverending support from Schmoopie-Thanks, I love you.

Some say I have abandoned.

2006-12-03T10:02:00.000-08:00

Not abandoned, just not feeling creative. 40+ hours of work in a 4 day work week = 10+ hours a day at work plus the 40 minute drive to and from. By the time I get home at night I am brain dead. Also, that is the only 30-45 min. a day I get to see my man while he is showering, shaving, ironing, eating, and leaving for that "all-forsaken" night job. BUT, I thank God everyday that he did get that job and likes it. Is doing well, getting kudos from the management for some tough situations ie: fights and ceilings falling in--ice and snow here in good ole MO. So, I should stop whining like a pooper and pull up my big girl panties and deal!!!!
Plus, I don't have anything fun and exciting going on right now to write about. No kids, no projects, NOTHIN'.
Sometimes boring is good.

Jasmine Lady

2006-11-11T17:13:00.000-08:00

The story goes that a lady once frequented the Mineral Springs Hotel to 'get it on' with her lover. One day her husband followed her and caught her with said lover and confronted her. He fought with her and pushed her down the stairs of the hotel killing her, where her spirit still remains. She is called the Jasmine Lady because the scent of jasmine is in the air of the hotel a lot, esp. after sightings, sounds and unexplained happenings.
This picture is in the room where her and her lover last stayed and she was confronted by her husband.
Note the orb on the hood of my co-workers jacket. She smelled jasmine all evening.

BAAAD MOJO

2006-11-11T16:50:00.000-08:00

SO, We went further down the tunnels into this room that is now I guess just used as a storage room for the people that live in the apartments. As I stood inside the door way I felt my lips and left side of my face tingle. I just thought it was from the hike we had taken up the hill four blocks and then around the building, down the steps and maybe the lack of O2??? Well, the girl standing next to me was from the "Paranormal Society" of Chicago and she says "Wow, "THEY" are really strong down here, my whole left side is tingling." GULP. I didn't say a word. I just stepped a couple of steps away from her and a little closer to the door.
I had my Dad's digital camera to take all of these camera. I took a picture of this room (which was very dark-only could really see with flashlights) as I was trying to review this picture my camera went off. I thought I hit a wrong button because I don't know this camera very well. But, paranormal girl says "Did "THEY" just zap your camera?" HUH?!@#! At that exact moment her very, very large flashlight went out. SOOOO, our tour guide then suggests that we move along a little quicker because apparently the spirits here don't like the fact that we have disrupted them and if we have cell phones or anything battery operated we should turn them off because "IT/THEY" were taking all the power. He did NOT have to tell me twice because as he was saying this and I was trying to get my camera back on to view the picture. My hand that was holding the camera was shaking. So, I took it as a good sign that I needed to get my big ole ass out of "IT'S" domain.
Back outside everyone's phones, flashlights, and my camera came back to life. The battery was drained and I had to put new batteries in it.
The real kicker.........no picture. It is not on the memory card. The first group that went in got pictures!

Haunted Tour Part 2

2006-11-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

So, next we went up the hill towards this beautiful mansion that was turned into a TB asylum at some point. As, we stand outside he tells us that a little girl was also brought here to live because she was being abused by her family and she died here at a young age but she was very happy here because she led such a happy life being here rather than with her abusive family, how sad!
He explained to us at this time about the whole idea that spirits/ghosts are mostly believed to come from the point when a person dies and your soul leaves your body and your guardian angel/spirit guide/what ever you believe/ comes to take you to the other side "misses" and the two of you don't meet. Therefore, the spirit ( I will call it) is left to roam around. It is left the age at which it dies and it wants us to know it is still around. That is why some people are able to see them, smell them, feel them, or hear them. (sometime all 4) The majority of spirits are harmless and just pull "pranks" to let you know they are with you.
O.K. Got a little off track there but I got a whole new perspective on spirits that night and am totally enthralled, except when he brought up the fact that when we were about to go into the basement of the old mansion/TB asylum that there was also a cat spirit in there and that people were know to have heard it and that don't be surprised if you felt something rub up against your leg. This brought a loud "OH, HELL NO! " out of big ass mouth. But of course I went on in.
Under the mansion/TB asylum are also tunnels once thought to be used for the underground railroad. LOTS of orbs down there
AND SOME BAD MOJO............
(note that all the pictures taken in the tunnels are taken in the dark and the orb ont the space heater is there on the way into the tunnel but not on the way out---if you can click on the pictures and make them bigger the orbs appear better--same with last post--you can really see the mist above the fence on the last picture if you enlarge it)

Haunted Tour Part 1

2006-11-02T17:19:00.000-08:00

This last Sat. I got to got on a haunted tour of Alton IL. It is one of the most haunted cities in the U.S. One of the ladies I work with lives in Alton and runs a tour on the weekends. Her web site is www.mineralspringshauntedtours.com Anyway we had a beautiful clear night. It started at 7:30 with dinner and a lecture of some of the history of Alton. First let me back up because one of the girls went downstairs to use the bathroom (alone) and came back and said there was a really bad smell and to be careful because the exhaust fan could suck you up alive! So, when the tour guide was done talking he brought out some crushed jasmine for us to smell. The girl who had gone down to the bathroom said "That is the smell I smelled on my way out of the bathroom, but there was something awful before it, I thought you had pot pouri in there" He said "No, she's already here." And so he told us the beginning of the story of the Jasmine lady. Her spirits lives at the Mineral springs mall now. It was once a thriving hotel where she and her lover would come. Her husband followed her one weekend and found out about them and pushed her down the staircase where she died. She followed us around the hotel ALL night. I smelled her myself. (more later)
My first pictures were in the dining room, random shots, a few orbs here and their. I really didn't see them that night when I reviewed them.
Then we went outside to start the tour. We went down Main street and our tour guide told us about some of the (now antique shops) places along the way that are said to have spirits inside. Things happen like merchandise is moved around at night, computer are on in the morning, etc. We went across the street towards a beautiful mansion that had been turned into a TB asylum. This is where I took a picture and saw my first orbs and mist.

To buy or not to buy....

2006-10-29T16:27:00.000-08:00

I need a new car but don't have the friggin' money for the taxes right now for the car I want. I had a major melt down with R. the other night pretty much letting him know that he is the reason that I can't get the car I want. I WILL NOT SETTLE AGAIN FOR SOMETHING I DON'T WANT. I am tired of driving that piece of crap that I drive now. I don't feel safe in it and am sure it will break down any day. So, do I go the home equity route? The wipe out savings and use the credit card route? I have been so uptight about this I am blowing other crap in my life totally out of the water and I can't do that. P. gave me some great advice and said sometimes we just need to bite the bullet among other things. This a pretty big bullet and I like my mouth, I use it a lot but, if it blows up in my face it could solve another of my big issues in life!!!!!!

YADI YADI YADI WOOOO!!!!!

2006-10-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

I do love me some Yadier Molina. Go Cards!

"Gramcracker"

2006-10-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

That's what I called her. I have been thinking a lot about her the last couple of days. A lot. My Grandma has been gone for about 10 yrs or so but it feels like yesterday. I really still believe she was the only person in this world who totally got me and loved me UNconditionally. She never judged me a day in her life and still never would. She lived a hard life she didn't deserve with a man she should have left. I wear her ring every day. It never mattered that I was adopted, I was her Angel. She is a part of me, I am a part of her.

2006-10-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

A little about me. Hmmm. Where to begin. Let's start current and work backwards for now. (it will probably change) I live in my own home with my boyfriend of 5 years (more on him later) and my puppy Jillian a Yorkie. I live in the same town where I grew up and would not have it an different. I live about 2 miles from my parents. Just far enough but still close enough. My parents--the best, always there for you and your friends. Never said no (unless it was an insanely stupid request) and always gave to the best of their ability. I am an only child and adopted at that (much more about that later). So, many have said and still do that I was/am spoiled. I have my thoughts.
Currently I am saving to buy a new car. I just got the title on the old one and need to save enough $ for the taxes on the new one. I am also trying to do little bit by little bit to my house. It all takes $$.
The big thing in my life right now is that I have turned a new leaf over in the health department and am losing weight: 68 pounds to date since Jan. I have been overweight ALL my life and have been on every diet in the book. The Soup Diet, Atkins (my way), counting calories (my way), eat what you want and then take ex-lax (not highly recommended unless you are staying home for the evening), Slim-fast, Phen-Fen, and now Weight Watchers for the probably 8th time. Heck I am a Lifetime member from the 4th grade!! But, this time it is clicking. I am just taking it a day at a time. I also have a lot of support around me and afar (thanks Schmoopie!). I feel great and am starting to even feel good about how I look. Well, enough for tonight.
Thanks for reading and may all your dreams come true.
KelKel

2006-10-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

O.K. Schmoopie you have made me one of you. Now what?!?!?! This now will probably become my new habit. But, it is 0 points :)