click

so, why won't it click? it clicked once and i did well. something is blocking the way. something deep down inside. no one else forces me. it is draining me emotionally, physically, draining, draining, draining. no one says a word, no one says what they are thinking. click, please click.

frustration

i am frustrated at life, myself, insurance, life, myself!!! i am now at my highest wt. ever. i got very ill from the liquid diet. liver was crazy out of normal. now back to normal.
see a new dr. who gives me the same speech as the other dr. "if you want to lose all the weight you need to you need surgery" "have you considered it?" CONSIDERED IT! shit i have been begging my job to cover weight loss surgery for about 8 years now.
i wrote a letter to my benefits department with the help of some very close friends. here it is :

To whom it may concern,
I am writing to you today to inquire why I, as a 17 year xxx employee, do not have the opportunity for gastric bypass, or any kind of weight loss surgery, because it is not covered under our insurance plan. HealthLink does cover weight loss surgery, our HR department decided it was not an option.
Weight loss surgery being covered would be an opportunity to claim a better, healthy life for me and allow me to be an example for my patients. I don't understand why an employer would choose not to allow their employee this benefit and risk loosing me as a loyal and experienced employee because of complications from being morbidly overweight.
Our mission at xxx is to take exceptional care of our patients. What about the employees?
The cost to xxx is a drop in the bucket compared to the out of pocket hit to my budget. To pay for this surgery out of pocket it is $24,000, per Dr. xx's office. If I were disabled and on medicare or worked for Washington University I would be covered. Why the discrimination?
I have been told by 2 primary care physicians Dr. xx and Dr. xx that weight loss surgery will be the only way I can lose the weight I need to prevent what is assuredly to come: hypertension, diabetes, peripheral vascular problems, knee and or hip replacements.
Why not be proactive and help me and I am assured many others be healthier?
Thank you for your time and I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
x

i reached a very kind soul in the HR department who helped me send it to "whom it may concern". no answer after week one. she then sent it to the vp. took another week to hear back. bad news.
here's friday's letter:

Dear x,

I am in receipt of your email inquiring about the lack of coverage for gastric bypass surgery in xxx’s medical plan.
xxx HealthCare does care for its employees – each and every one of them. For the past several years, gastric bypass and lap band surgeries have been brought up during our annual benefits plan review process. These surgeries are extensively reviewed/researched by our internal benefits team as well as our medical plan administrator, UMR. The review includes cost/benefit analysis and the overall impact to every employee and family member covered by our medical plans. Dr. x has also been consulted to provide information.
We have consistently found that the cost of the surgeries, the risk of complications and the expenses associated with those complications are cost prohibitive. At this time, xxx HealthCare and the employees and their family members who are covered in the medical plan are not able to absorb the combination of costs and risks.
xxx will continue to examine and analyze the cost/benefits of gastric bypass and lap band surgeries. Should you wish to discuss this further, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Sincerely,
x
xxx HealthCare
Director, Benefits

FUCK!!!

5 1/2 weeks.

So, after the first 4 weeks I lost 27 3/4 pounds. Feel great, more energy, sleep better, clothes feel better. Not hungry at all but still have cravings??? Crunchy, salty. Still keep telling myself it is not forever and I get through one day at a time. Will be weighing in on Tues. (6 weeks down).

No chewing!

Well today is the first day of "it's all about me". I have chosen to do a "fasting diet". Controlled by my M.D. It is supposed to take off a lot of weight rapidly. 5-6 shakes a day plus, broth, s.f. jello, diet soda. Hence, no chewing. I think I will be going through a lot of gum!! This a.m. wasn't bad. This afternoon was O.K., not hungry just used to snacking when I am bored and B.F. just made popcorn!! UGH! That is/was my downfall, salty crispy, crunchy! It will be O.K. I just have to make it through the first few days and when I see the results it will all be worth it!

Friend 1 and Friend 2

Well my friend called. Called to see if I check my email and did I know that the kids had upcoming events to attend. I called her back and we talked for 45 min, like we had last talked yesterday. ???? I guess in a sense this is a true friend when you can not talk for months and nothing seems different.
On the other hand I went out with another friend (friend 2) and her friend shopping and to dinner. I guess I said something wrong or did something that pissed her off, because when she and her friend got in her car the door couldn't close before she was ranting about me. I know it was about me because her friend was facing me and the look of horror on her face as I was watching friend 2 rant told it all. I suppose friend 2's friend told her I was watching her rant because next thing friend 2 is knocking on my passenger window to lend me a CD we had talked about over dinner, she called me on my way home, later at home, and the next day. GUILT is a bitch. I chose not to talk to her until day 3. (I did return one phone call and LM letting her know I had seen that she had called.) My own guilt.
I did not say anything to her about the event and did not acknowledge her comments about "ditching her for 2 days". I am not a confrontational person and wondered over the 2 days: maybe I it was me. I know I am a very sarcastic person and make fun in a loving way. I know she has very thin skin and takes EVERYTHING to heart and is somewhat gullible. Maybe I just crossed her line. Although she does talk about people to others. I just never thought she talked about me and especially not in front of my face.
Lesson learned.

Losing a friend

I suppose we have grown apart, but it really sucks. I guess because I don't have kids, not a soccer mom, don't enjoy shopping, don't enjoy drinking to get drunk, I guess we don't have anything in common anymore. Nothing but a couple of the most important people in my heart. I miss the whole family but especially the kids. I am not sure what exactly happened. She has admitted on more than one occasion that she "sucky friend". This is not new. More than once our friendship has been overtaken by the "flavor of the month". It has pretty much happened our whole lives. I am reminded of this by other friends and family, hers and mine. It still sucks to not know what is going on in their lives, good, bad, and indifferent. We used to talk daily and now it is a text now and again usually initiated my me. I am not sure what to do, let it go, hope she comes back, or confront and maybe never have it again.
Thanks for letting me vent.

When's it going to click?

When is the malfunction in my brain going to be fixed. I don't know what issue is inside, that is do deep, I can't let it surface.
I want to think I can lose weight on my own, no pills to help, no magic drink, nothing but me being able to control what I eat. I have heard thin/normal people say "I eat to live not live to eat." Why can't I grasp this concept. I am miserable at the weight I am right now. I have no energy, I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, I am happy to sit home and watch TV or sleep. Sex, what sex, I have no desire, no energy, nothing. It sucks. All of it. I know what I am supposed to eat, do, think, but it just doesn't come together for me. My body aches all the time, I am a crabby bitch at home. Will it ever come together? -----just rambling. Thanks